Expansion on Initial Statement: I'm glad I'm not a girl.
Explanation of Initial Statement and Expansion Thereof: To be explained in this blog entry! :-D
Okay, ladies and gentlemen, I have come to the conclusion that being a guy is just...well, it's easier. Why, you ask? Well, I'm so glad you asked. I'm going to take the time out of my busy, busy schedule (As in, I'm sitting here at the laundromat, bored out of my mind, and watching the rinse cycle just isn't amusing anymore...) and tell you a little story.
The other night, I was sitting at home with my roommates. As roommates are wont to do, we were talking. The girls started talking about their teachers, which I was totally left out of, because I didn't go to their school. Anyway, Roommate K said: "One of my teachers always talked about how he was on the swim team." This led into the fact that, when on a swim team, you shave. Everything. Your stomach, your back, and your legs, at least. "He used to tell us, at least every year, that every guy needs to shave their legs at least one time in their life. He'd say that you shave your legs, and then you crawl into nice, clean sheets, and it's literally the best feeling in the world."
Folks, I'm not stupid. But I'm not necessarily the brightest bulb in Home Depot. While she's talking, all I can think is, I wanna feel the best feeling in the world!! So of course, I pipe up: "I wanna try this!"
After a few moments of blank staring, we all go upstairs. I'm going to spare you a lot of the details, because frankly, you don't care, and I feel like it's borderline T.M.I. You don't want to know about how I used an electric razor to get the hair really, really short first, then how I used a razor and shaved every inch of my legs, from ankle to upper thigh. These aren't details you need. ...wait...oh well.
Anyway, so I shaved my legs. It was weird. At first, they were hyper-sensitive. Everything kinda felt like a small electrical shock. I put my pajama bottoms on, and they drove me crazy, so I changed into shorts, which was still strange, but not as strange.
By now, you're thinking, "Yeah, all of this sounds pretty normal for when somebody shaves their legs for the first time." You haven't let me finish, though.
I woke up the next day. Went to work. About halfway through my workday, I start to itch. "This is normal," I convince myself. I get home, and I step into the shower, and my face does this:
 |
| "HOLY CRAP!" |
I feel like I've just stepped into a very large swarm of angry fire ants and killer bees, who have teamed up to conquer and destroy a common enemy: my legs.
It feels like I'm on fire. The teeny tiny little particles of my leg hair apparently stood on end and saluted the worst case of razor burn in the history of shaving. My legs were covered in little tiny red bumps from top to bottom, front and back. I opened my mouth and said some rather obscene things, and waited for the pain to stop.
The heat of the shower helped...until I stepped out of the shower. For the next three days, my legs basically caught fire every time there was contact with clothing, or a small temperature change, or I yawned, or there was a breeze, or...pretty much anything you can think of. I tried lotion, I tried washing them more frequently, I tried ice packs; nothing work, nothing helped. If that's what Hell feels like, I'm so glad I'm Heaven-bound.
Anyway, the hair is growing back just fine now, in case you were wondering. I've learned my lesson, though, and I will never shave my legs again! -shudder-
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