Driving

It has come to light that my driving is...nothing short of terrifying. I kinda resent this, just a little. See, I've been driving for over six years, and, like most people who drive, I've developed a very specific way of doing things. Perhaps if I explain a little bit about my driving, it'll help to ease the sheer, pure, unadulterated horror my passengers feel. ...or maybe it will affirm their fears... Without further hesitation, I present: 

"Rules That I Made Up and Laws I Don't Follow"

A Work of Incriminating Non-Fiction By Pete

Firstly, anyone riding in my car should expect a few things:

1.  To buckle up.
2.  To know the location of the so-called "Oh Crap!" handle.
3.  To know how distracting yelling can be.

If you don't buckle up, you'll regret it almost instantaneously. As we go careening around the first corner, you will want to grab the Oh Crap! handle. Buckling up will help keep you off of my lap and within reach of that handle. Also, yelling may result in minor road rage.

Rules I Made Up:

1. Don't Pull Out In Front of Me and Actually Do The Speed Limit. I go over by at least 5mph most of the time, and you are slowing me down. It's very uncool, and it makes me sad.
2. Right On Red is Enforced. I don't want to wait behind you. If I'm driving, I probably want to reach my destination with much haste, and you are slowing me down. It's very uncool, and it makes me sad.
3. Use Your Blinker Wisely. Please don't hit the brakes and turn your blinker on when you're still a full 30 seconds away from the corner that you wish to turn on. It's misleading, because there two more turns between where we are currently located and the turn you are going to take. You are slowing me down. It's very uncool, and...well, you get it by this point.
4. At All Gas Stations, Pump #7 Belongs to Me. That is all for this point.
5. Please Refrain From "Tailgating." In fact, don't follow me at all. When I'm being followed, I actually slow down and force said follower to pass me (if we are the only two people on the highway). For some reason, it just really makes me paranoid, so don't pull up behind me and then slow down. I feel bad when you do that. I feel like I'm slowing you down, which is very uncool, and probably makes you very sad.
6. I Retain Rights To Follow You. That's right. Rule #5 doesn't apply to me. Deal with it!

Laws That I Don't Follow (All the Time):

1. Speed Limits. Yeah, I know: Nobody follows speed limits. Yeah...but I really don't follow them. If I'm in Branson, it's a bit different. Police like to hide here, waiting for unsuspecting 20-somethings. Outside of Branson, the speed "limit" is more like a speed "guideline."
2. Those Little Signs Before Curves That Say Things Like "Curve Ahead 30MPH." That's ridiculous. As a general rule, I take curves at X+20=My Speed when 'X' is equal to the limit MPH on the sign. So if the sign says "Curve Ahead 30MPH," you may expect me to take that curve at roughly 50MPH.
3. Stop Signs. I stop at a lot of them, but let's face it...most of them are kinda like "Yield" signs...not completely necessary, but there anyway, letting you know that you should probably look around.
4. Drive With Your Shoes On. I'm sorry, but I don't understand why it's totally necessary to have your shoes on while driving. They're uncomfortable when you're driving for 2+ hours, and I'm taking them off. (Note: I do keep a pair of slip-ons under my seat, in case I get pulled over and they want to make sure I'm wearing shoes. I'm sure that law is important enough that they check, right??)

This has been "Rules That I Made Up and Laws That I Don't Follow." Thank You.

Having said all that...I am an excellent driver. The trick to driving is knowing what you're doing and being able to watch and predict what other people do. And, if you were wondering, my accident rate is 3 accidents in 6 years. The above is a tried-and-true method. :) ...Some of you will never get in my car now, I just know it...